I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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