Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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