are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
barbara walters just said penis...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
