My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
