my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
