I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
