I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
