My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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