my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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