it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
