Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
