his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
