when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it hurts more in the daytime
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
