I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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