Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
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