Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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