He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
