I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
