Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
