I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
