my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
