Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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