someone get that fucking seahorse.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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