paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
