I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
