Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
