Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
