i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
