its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
