She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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