if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
