halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
