i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Houston, we have a blender
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
