Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
