ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
