My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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