smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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