All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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