After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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