He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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