i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize