I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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