tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
