I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
