I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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