At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
