And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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