Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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