You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
