You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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