Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
