i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
