I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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