First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
