i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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