The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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