I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
