Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
