whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
