The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
