remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will be naked everywhere
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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