well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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