Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
