a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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