Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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