it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
