ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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